In the About page of my Blog site, I mention that I would like to explore the possibilities of thinking with what we are rather than thinking about what we can do or pretend to be. So I did a little exercise in Being and conversing with my Self. Since I came to the conclusion, late in life, that I did not create my Self, it is interesting to trace how I came to believe that I did effectively create my self. To refer to my Self, I use the term “Father”.
“GOD SAID: If you see Me as an indifferent God, a heartless God, how can I, God, then be a God of Love or presume to be? Would not a God of Love lift you up and save you from whatever you yearn to be saved from? When it comes to what sinks your heart right now, all the saves from the past fade from your view. “What about now, God?” your heart cries out.
…Meanwhile, I smooth your brow, can you feel it? Meanwhile, I take your head between My two hands, and I look deeply into your eyes. From the depth of your eyes, I see Myself in the form of you asking what I already know.” HL #4403
Father, I am writing to you because I feel that I am standing at the portal of a great transformation that triggers apprehension in me. Perhaps it is unconscious fear to let go of my little self, fear of losing control of myself. What control? Control of nothing at all since I must be trying to control Who created me, that is you, Father.
Why this fear of losing control of what I think is my world? Do I think I am God Himself? This smells ego but I guess my olfaction is out of order. This world I seem to want to keep control of, can I share it? Is it a world I imagined to protect the illusion I created about myself?
I become more and more aware that it is I who created or more accurately said made myself a self. Then I could say: “Why God have you abandoned me?” But I know that it is I who abandoned You in my ↑phantasm (< Greek phantos ‘visible’ and phainein ‘to show, to make visible’
I like to think of this word ‘phantasm’. By naively thinking I created myself – if I didn’t think that I created myself, I would not find myself isolated in this world – I made a projection of my imagination through which I, by identifying with my personal self, seek to escape from the grasp of Reality which tells me that my real and only Self is Your Self, beloved Father.
I have projected this personal self, this ego, and I believed so much in it that I ended up believing that this ego was something that was controlling me instead of being aware that, in reality, it was me who dictated my ego what it should dictate me. That must be what we call the fall into the ego.
Possessing all the powers of the creation that You, dear Father, gave to me as well as to all my brothers and sisters, I gradually fell into the illusion that I could become an “Independent Creator”. Dazzled or blinded by my own light, I felt myself falling into a kind of dream where all the objects of the world where fascinating me with their beauty, their strangeness. Simultaneously, with this fascination, a growing feeling of uncertainty, of abyss arose in me. I could no longer grasp the LINK that was interconnecting these objects. This link must have been love. And I was seized by a terrible wind of fear and guilt. I must have been searching for thousands of remedies and devices to put to sleep that guilt.
But what was left was only the mind to technically reconstruct the lost link. The heart became just a wanderer. Empirical science and technology were coming to the rescue of love. The rest is recorded history.
Dear Father, I am just coming to grasp that guilt is only the reverse image of the infinite love that you pour on us. Guilt is nothing but the refusal to catch the pole you throw at us to get ourself out of the pit of the dream that we are our own creator.
Then, Father, You gave me this reminder: “I come in many guises, and one guise is you, dear Normand”.
Written by on
Normand, you did it again! Your writing stirs so much in me.
And I’m so grateful to you, for how you bring in Heavenletters™.
You are the generous of the generous, dear friend.
You must be speaking for many here, Normand, very many.
Not as an argument for or against what you write or anything else, just wanting to contribute, as another facet, the sum of my own experience with the Heavenletter™ process, I would say that the answer to everything you so lucidly outlined here is in the quote above:
Meanwhile, I smooth your brow, can you feel it?
It can only be felt now. Interestingly, all our ponderings play themselves out, almost exclusively, in past and future: portal, transformation, apprehension, fear, control, creating, abandon, isolation, seek, escape, illusion, falling, dream, uncertainty, abyss, remedies, searching, wanderer, science, history, guilt and even love, the concept of it. We compare, we assess, we expect, that is, we are somewhere else, not current, hardly ever exclusively present. Of course, I, especially, am a master of grappling with these things almost around the clock.
But can I feel it? Understandable as my ponderings may be, can I, occasionally at least, come back to my brow being smoothed by God’s hand, only this? “Meanwhile”, what a marvelous word. Clearly, God wants me to, again and again, let everything fall by the wayside and be current, simply here now, feeling His hand smooth my brow – until one day I stay in touch with this hand and no thought, be it fearful, guilty or expectant, can ever disconnect us again.
The more I think about it, the more I want to tell you, Jochen, go for it, go for your blog. It is such a freeing experience. Don’t miss to try it. It goes much beyond commenting. You are sailing your own ship. Only the winds and the sea carry you.
You have such beautiful things to say. Say them in a space where you will have all the freedom of the world, say them how and when you feel like it without any outside restrictions.
With all my blessings.
Hmmm
“This link must have been love.”
Absolutely beautiful!